It’s common to refer to three year olds as “Threenagers,” due to their attitude and lack of cooperativeness. Were my oldest daughter to have already turned three, I would have titled this blogcat “Three(NineFive)nagers.” Alas, she is a mere 2.5 years old as it stands today – so it just didn’t feel right. But I also didn’t want you to think I’d somehow missed this, and had lost my fastball. The kid’s still got it, y’all.
Anyway, I bring this up because this concept – to wit, the more soul-sucking aspects of dealing with a toddler – is the focus of this post, as it’s very much a matter at hand in the Kambour household. While my eldest is a supernova of joy in my life, it takes only a second for her to flip the switch and leave me at my wit’s end. Haggling to get her in the car to go to school, for instance, is especially difficult, as is the now-nightly ritual of cat-chasing her to bed.
“Alright, it’s time to head upstairs for bed! Which bathroom do you want to brush your teeth in?….Hey, which bathroom do you want to your brush teeth in? No, it’s not time to watch a show, we have to go upstairs… No, we’re still not going to watch a show, we can do that tomorrow. It’s now time for us to go upstairs and brush your teeth! Do you want to brush your teeth in YOUR bathroom or mommy and daddy’s bathroom? …. Wait, where are you going? No, please stop, it’s not time to play with your trains! Do you want to walk upstairs or have me pick you up? …. Alright, I’m going to count to 5. One, two, three, four, oh, ok, great, you’re going to walk upstairs on your own!”
And that’s just step one of the process:
“Alright, nice job brushing your teeth! Let’s go potty! No, we can go right here, we’re not going to mommy and daddy’s bathroom. Stop! No, we’re not going, we can go right here. Nope, we can go on THIS potty, here, I’ll pick you up! Okay, okay, no, it’s okay, fine, you’re okay, you want to go to mommy and daddy’s potty? Awesome, let’s go! Wait, where are you going, there’s nothing in your sister’s room, please come back. No, we don’t need to turn on the light…..”
And so it goes – with the up, down, rolling over, changing positions, switching sides of the room, etc., all so we can get a diaper on, probably being my least favorite negotiation. When all things are said and done, we clock anywhere between 25 and 45 minutes to get through what I continue to calculate COULD be a 4-minute a bedtime routine. Every afternoon nap, and every night.
My daughter is not unique, this is not the point. Instead, it is to highlight how unusual it is as a human being to experience what ultimately comes down to another human, to whom you’re actively and obviously attempting to provide support, working in unsubtle conflict to your primary short-term goals. Frankly, it’s downright exasperating.
As much as we can, people prefer to work with other people to achieve something in which they have a shared interest. Of course, there are also countless examples of opposition – sports pits competing team against each other in a zero-sum game, for instance, or maybe two boys are chasing the same girl and resent each other for it.
But wouldn’t it be weird if Steve was outwardly doing whatever it took to set Bill up with Sharon, but Bill was blatantly doing everything in his power to subvert Steve’s efforts? And yet Steve had no choice but to maintain course?
It’s such a uniquely bizarre dynamic that you don’t quite encounter anywhere else, and one that leaves me a bit dumbfounded . Just one more thing about being a parent for which you’re not entirely prepared.
Crazy little beasts!